I’m writing about things I’d rather not tell you. So you’re actually encouraged to stop reading now, and appreciate your own mind and body for the remaining time.
If that’s too challenging, please take a deep breath and continue until the end with an open mind.
I’ve twice experienced mind-altering psychedelics. I was curious, as someone who studies minds, and the opportunity presented itself. First, in a forest lushly textured with new shoots, multicolored lichen, glittering mica, and a powerfully pulsing river. Second, overlooking a sunset where cloud shadows moved quickly and I could choose to shed tears of joy. The rest is classically difficult to describe. I read several books, about psychedelics, the unconscious, myth, and ritual. I tried a technique I read about to ‘befriend my unconscious’, involving a combination of rapid breathing, ‘bodywork’, ‘evocative music’, and drawing a mandala.
So today, I had a joyful panic attack. I really don’t want you to worry about it. I’m self-isolating at home for an unspecified amount of time, and I had called the number on the construction-noise-notice slipped under my door. How many days would the shaking and crashing last? Were you aware that ‘some of my neighbors’ were under strict orders not to leave, so could not escape the noise? Was this construction really essential right now? I didn’t ask what their plan was if my cabinet of ringing pottery fell down, or if the pipes they were hammering flooded my apartment, which no one else should enter. Each person I called had no answer, just another phone number or a supervisor.
The reason I told you not to read this is I want to set you a good example. But is this example good for you? Hands shaking and vision narrowing, I turned on my ‘evocative music’, brought my foam roller to my bedroom, and joyfully experienced my hyperventilation and what came to mind and body. When it was winding down, I drew a mandala of spiraling radishes, microphones, tongues, and meat thermometers. I’m now close enough friends with my unconscious to be willing to go out with it in public.