At pottery class last night, the drum-maker art-teacher student described how he had imagined he was different ages at different stages of making his drum. “I believe all our different selves are still inside us as we grow,” he said, with enough charisma that the pottery teacher suggested we try this practice together next week.
If that’s enough for you to appreciate, please stop reading and close your eyes for the rest of the five minutes.
The reason I tried to get you to stop reading is that in order to fully tell you what I want you to appreciate, you need to first know that I have been struggling with thoughts of ending my life. In the context of suicidal thoughts, mine are relatively benign – I don’t make suicide attempts, and know at some level that I actually want to live. However, they are unpleasant/disruptive/scary enough that I have taken steps to treat them and made specific lists about where to seek help/guidance if they got worse and/or I got tempted to act on them. I’ve made some bumpy progress. I’ve realized I identify so narrowly as a scientist that rethinking my career track slightly can feel life threatening, and trigger suicidal thoughts. But the gap between realizing this problem and solving it is wide and murky with shame and doubt.
Now something to appreciate! I was waiting for the train downtown today, hearing a familiar chorus “die, die, die, I want to die,” when I remembered the drum-maker, and had the idea to practice my different identities. The moment I imagine I’m a potter, my unwelcome thoughts melt away and the detailed textures of the world around me become more vibrant. I’m a potter! Wow this is amazing! I’m a writer! I want to write about this! I’m an artist! I’m a teacher! … Each time when the thoughts come back, I know what to do … I’m a friend! I’m a scientist! … on my walk home, I intuitively absorb identities from my surroundings … I’m a person who feels like dancing when I hear the boom box that woman skateboarding enthusiastically down the street is carrying! Appreciate that somehow, shifting my identity the moment I notice unpleasant thoughts is a super effective intervention. Appreciate that it’s already given me enough energy to write you, about a difficult topic no less, for the first time in several months.